Children and Parental Conflict

Parents play a very significant role in the lives of their children. They are the first point of contact when children enter the world and are among the few to remain with them throughout their lives. Because of the importance of parental influence, the emphasis is often placed on practising proper parenting as well as establishing a healthy family lifestyle.

For all the efforts made in maintaining a healthy home, ever so often conflict arises. Conflict is a part of any relationship and the relationship between parents is no different. Growing up, many of us may have heard or seen our parents in conflicts. For some, the conflicts that occurred may not have been negatively impactful based on how your parents handled them. For others, it was like being thrown into a war you were not ready for, thus becoming casualty time and time again.

How parents deal with and resolve conflict as well as how often it arises can affect children both in the long term and short term. The effects involve not only those to their physical wellbeing but also their mental and emotional health. A home filled with conflict of a toxic nature can cause children to feel unsafe and unloved. The togetherness of the family may seem fragile during these times and, if left unresolved in the eyes of the child, can feel like a threat to safe and steady family life.

Conflict can be time-consuming and in those periods children aren’t usually the main focus. It is even harder in high conflict homes where the disagreements are aggressive and frequent. Children may be left to ‘fend’ for themselves in these situations or worse – be drawn into it. It is unfortunate that some parents may use their child as leverage in conflict with their partners or punish the child as a result of what is happening. This, however, is the reality for many children thus reinforcing the unloved and unsafe feeling.

In all of this, children may not know how to process what is happening around them. If there is no one to help them understand, they can be left to believe that the conflicts are their fault or are about them (and sometimes they are made to feel that way). Children caught up in parental conflict may express their feelings in two different ways: externalizing or internalizing.

Children who internalize aren’t very verbal about how the conflict is affecting them. However, the negative effects may be through depression, withdrawal, anxiety, change in eating or sleeping habits and self-harm to name a few. For other children, the ways of expression may include excessive aggression, anger, rebellion, vandalism and delinquency.  Both sets of children are sending SOS signals that can be ignored or read wrong if one is not too careful. This kind of mistake can drive the children further into their unhealthy coping mechanisms unless there is intervention.

It goes without saying that conflict can be resolved in a healthy manner. Working through issues without the need to degrade, be abusive or disrespectful is a much better and healthier way of resolving issues. It not only helps to maintain a healthy relationship between parents but also helps to maintain a safe environment for children. Emotionally healthy adults who provide a safe and healthy environment raise children who are also emotional healthy, stable and have the ability to function at an optimal level. On the flip side, adults who are dysfunctional, emotionally unstable and unhealthy (mentally and otherwise) will not possess the capacity to raise functional members of society thus perpetuating the cycle of dysfunction.

So what can parents do to work through conflicts in ways that won’t disrupt family life and negatively affect their children? Here are a few suggestions:

1. As much as possible, work through the conflicts away from the children. This isn’t a suggestion to pretend everything is OK with your partner. Rather it is a plea with parents to work out disputes – particularly the heated ones – where your child won’t be too aware of it. Children’s imaginations run wild and free so chances are they may think the worst when seeing their parents caught up in arguments.
2. Wherever possible, explain to your child what is happening. In simple terms of course. They don’t need to know all the details of what is going on between you two. However, it can help to explain to them that disagreements sometimes take place in relationships however you are working it out so things can be better.
3. Keep the child away from the line of fire. As mentioned before, many children are pulled into parental conflict as either leverage or scapegoats. This is dangerous and damaging as it can cause relational issues later on in their lives. Do not punish children for what is happening between you and your partner. Despite whatever you think of your partner or how much the child’s personality or appearance may reflect the said person, the child is innocent.
4. Pay attention to your child. Because conflict can and will affect children, it is important to try as best as possible to pay attention to the child’s behaviours – particularly those that seem to suddenly change. The changes in behaviour are usually warning signs and so, instead of ignoring it or labelling it as bad behaviour (as in the case of externalizing), investigate what is going on with your child and see how best you can help them.
5. Reassure them that, whatever happens, they are not at fault. Again, children’s imagination tends to run wild and unfortunately, when they cannot understand what is happening during times of conflict, the first thought may be to blame themselves. Do not allow this thought to become fixed. Help to put their minds at ease by assuring them that they are not to be blamed for the situation.
6. Remind them that they are loved. Need I say more?

There are so many other things we can do to protect children from emotional and mental scarring during parental conflicts. What say you?

Stay blessed.💚