Men’s Mental Health Feature: His Story

We’re very familiar with the stigma attached to mental health issues and how it negatively affects those living with them. In considering these situations, we don’t necessarily think of any gender in particular. The general consensus is that whoever is struggling with mental health issues fall under the same category and experience the same kind of stigma. No exceptions.

However, if we’re honest, men’s mental health is a topic met with an abundance of silence. Society hardly makes space for full and open conversations about mental health so to zone in on men’s mental health almost feels like a stretch. Societal norms and traditional male roles have made it so that any form of ‘weakness’ is a threat to manhood. Unfortunately, mental health issues fall under the category of weakness. According to the 2019 Healthline article “Why Many Men Have a Harder Time Seeking Treatment for Mental Illness”, a lot of people see mental struggles as a personal issue and a lack of personal fortitude. Because of this ideology, many men don’t want to admit to having a problem and are less likely to seek mental health aid. The result? Men who struggle with internal conflicts and difficult emotions.

Meet Sean: a twenty-six-year-old with a passion for life and God. The first time I met Sean, I came in contact with a larger-than-life personality. Sean exudes boldness, confidence, intelligence, wisdom and a crafty sense of humour (much to the demise of his friends). One would have never guessed that a few years ago, Sean was the exact opposite as he was struggling through his own mental health issues.

Born to a teenaged mom Sean grew up in a predominately female household. His great grandmother had him for his formative years (0-5) and when his mom completed school, she took him to live with her and his stepfather. It was during that time that Sean and his mother experienced verbal and physical abuse at his hands. When asked how he dealt with the abuse as a child, Sean shared that he internalized what was happening to him as he believed that he could handle the situation on his own.

Sean’s childhood is a familiar scenario for many Jamaican children. According to the 2018 UNICEF Situational Analysis report, about 80% of Jamaican children experience some form of physical or psychological abuse administered as discipline. As many as 79% of children witness violence in their homes or in their communities. Quite often the sources of abuse are persons closest to them that should be caring for and protecting them e.g. legal guardians, parents and educators. The report also states that the results vary across socioeconomic statuses, geography and gender. Poor children are more likely to experience physical punishment in comparison to their wealthier counterparts. Children from rural areas are also more likely to experience physical punishment while boys receive more violent methods of discipline than girls.

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Relief for Sean came in the form of relocating to Manchester, Jamaica where he lived with his grandmother, sister and mother. This was the formation of his primary family unit and his greatest source of support. It was the sudden removal of that immediate familial support that contributed to Sean’s depression. During his early twenties, he started college which caused him to be away from his family for the first time. The separation wasn’t just him being away from his family; his sister was also a way for school, his grandmother was abroad and his mother was undergoing training that prevented her from being easily accessible via phone calls.

He had never been in a situation where his immediate support unit was away from him so this sudden change was a shock to his system. Aside from the removal of his immediate support, Sean struggled with this spiritual life and academia. As it pertains to his faith, while he got saved at fifteen years old he realized during this difficult time that the Christian journey was not a magical one. He learnt that the things he struggled with did not disappear once he accepted Christ and he needed to deal with them head-on and – in his mind – alone. The challenges with his faith coupled with the absence of his immediate support system affected his performance in school. Overall, these three contributed heavily to his depressive state.

WhatsApp Image 2019-11-16 at 1.15.24 PM (1) — Sean and grandma

Mental Health America reports that approximately 6 million men are affected by depression in the US every year and, along with its counterpart suicide, is a leading cause of death among men. While depression is a common mental illness for both men and women, it manifests differently in men. Men experiencing depression can appear to be irritable or aggressive however there are other potential indicators to look out for. These include restlessness, loss of interest in work, family or pleasurable activities, sleeping problems, feelings of emptiness, withdrawal, physical pains (headaches, cramps, digestive problems etc.) and inability to take care of responsibilities. Not every man will experience every symptom and it can be difficult to detect depression as men are less likely to speak up when experiencing emotional distress. In fact, most men are unable to detect depressive symptoms in themselves.

In Sean’s case, it took a while before his depression was noticed as he hid his struggle for a very long time. “I had a very good poker face and had the tendency to hide my emotions so no one would know what I was thinking at any given moment unless I chose to let people know,” he shares. The childhood practice of internalizing his difficult emotions and issues was a continued one as he believed that he could deal with this depression on his own.

He, like many other individuals, believed that his situation was unique to him and that strengthened his silence on the matter. That, however, did not change the fact that he longed for someone to speak to. The challenge was finding someone trustworthy. Socialization of boys and men have made it so that the thought of sharing one’s feelings is a foreign concept for many. To take it a step further, the weight of masculinity and traditional male roles can keep men from disclosing even to their relatives and close associates. Many men experience difficulty connecting emotionally which result in their preference to keep silent on matters of the mind and heart. This does not mean that men will not seek out help however, there has to be some level of trust and safety. When all else fails, many try to find different – and sometimes unhealthy – ways of dealing like drug and alcohol abuse.

In order to cope with his issues, Sean turned to masturbation and pornography. While he jokingly admitted that it had some good stress-relieving qualities, this added to his spiritual struggles and did not help with the deep-seated issues that he needed to work through. Another – and proven better – approach was listening to and writing music and poetry.

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As favour would have it, Sean eventually got a head start for the help he needed. One of his lecturers approached him one day as she realized that he was not OK and was concerned for him. He found it a bit easy to offload on her the bits and pieces of what he figured was wrong with him. She, in turn, offered to set up counselling sessions for him which started the process of dealing with depression in a practical way. He was not exactly enthralled with the idea of counselling but went through with it anyway. In fact, he summed up his feelings towards therapy with a simple ‘word’ – “ew”.

Talk therapy isn’t necessarily the aid of choice for men. Again, discussing emotions is a difficult thing for men, particularly if they don’t feel safe and or have a judgement-free space to express all they are going through. Sean admits that he didn’t share everything with the counsellor and even lied on a few occasions to not look “so bad”. However, he had someone in his life who reached out to him and gradually help him out of the dark place he was in. This friend had his own experiences with depression and had gone through situations similar to Sean’s. The brotherly bond of this friendship, the environment of safety and trust it provided as well as the knowledge that his friend would understand made Sean more open to sharing. It wasn’t an easy task as he was still very closed off and would dance around the truth. However, he eventually brought his problems to the fore and he was able to work through these issues.

In addition to the professional counselling and relational aid, Sean turned to his faith for help. Having gotten the practical aid down, he realized that there were some deeper things that needed spiritual intervention. Speaking about it, trying to be positive in thoughts and actions helped only so much. There were still issues he was contending with and a weighty feeling of being dead on the inside. Suicide was never a solid plan but the thoughts occasionally came to him. However, because of how broken and hopeless he felt, suicide made little sense to him. “I already felt dead inside.”

For Sean, his route to dealing with this depression spiritually was doing a week of serious praying then fasting. At the start of the week of prayer, he prayed and read the Bible daily but nothing happened immediately. He continued to press for his breakthrough until finally, on the fourth day, he got the full release he needed. His posture shifted from a position of defeat, fear, distress and despair to one of hope and freedom. Sean shares how bewildered he was as to how many layers of depression, anguish, frustration and pain could be lifted at once. The joy he felt flooded him and he shares that at that moment he felt that whatever he was going through had come to an end.

WhatsApp Image 2019-11-16 at 1.15.24 PM — Source: Involve Media

Sean’s experience with depression taught him a lot about mental health and how serious these issues are. He realized that the stigma around mental illness was intense and prevents so many men and women from seeking help. He emphasizes that men’s mental health shouldn’t be seen as less important than women’s because it’s just as critical. Sean also shares that mental illness does not mean madness. In the same way someone can have a cold or flu for a sustained period, someone can be struggling with their mental health for a long period as well.

As it pertains to men’s mental health, I asked Sean to share some words of advice for men going through rough times with their mental health. Here’s what he said:

Talk about it.
You are not the only person that has endured this, is enduring this and will endure this in the future.
Be prayerful but also practical. The two work hand in hand.
There is always somebody who you can talk to about everything in a comfortable, trustworthy and nonjudgmental setting.
It’s temporary. Nothing in life is permanent – things will come and go but it won’t last forever.
Mental illness is not a sign of weakness because you’re a man. You go through it because you are human – period. All humans go through something.
Self-condemnation is a killer.

Regarding seeking help, he also shared some practical ways:

Counselling: see a psychologist or guidance counsellor or pastor – somebody that you trust.
Dissect the issue. Find out the root cause and the branches. Sometimes it’s not one thing, its multiple things that trigger other things.
Look at how you were parented. Sometimes that’s a trigger. Parenting is a big part in identifying issues.
Talk to a next man; others are out there going through it. Be real, you’re a man and you can go through mental illness too – and you can overcome.